I'm Tired

And not in the sleepy, up-all-night kind of way

It is said that March comes in like a lion. In my opinion, December stole those honors for 2025, coming in with a ferocity that said “look at me, I’m about to shake your tree.”

It is self-imposed, this exhaustion from wrestling with the lion. For the past several years, I’ve drawn the Rabbit card from my Animal Spirit Deck by Kims Krans, a strong indicator of how I feel in December. Trapped. Paralyzed by fear. Typically craving a change but unsure how to create it.

The rabbit is a prey animal, keeping watch as she eats, twitching at every sound or movement during her meal. I watch the cotton-tails in my backyard each morning. Still sentries, ready to retreat through the fence at a moment’s notice.

Last month, unbeknownst to me, a new friend pulled a card with me in mind. For her, it was a surprise, a way to get to know my energy. I, however, could have predicted the image long before she turned over the glossy rectangle: Rabbit.

Her deck talked about Rabbit’s co-creation with someone. My Rock the Damn Boat podcast had just come to life, and I easily attached the meaning to that idea. My free flow of thoughts combined with engrossing interviews has been life-giving. A total surprise after a lifetime obsessed with the written word.

The podcast has been a bright light in an otherwise tumultuous finish to 2025. Comfortable, well-worn labels were stripped away and I was left as a 50-year-old woman with an identity crisis. I’m pretty sure we used to call them “nervous breakdowns”.

I planned to stay at my corporate job until December 5th, but ended up leaving before Thanksgiving. My menopausal brain could no longer handle the stress. At least, that’s the shameful speech I give myself on the days that I question that decision.

My yoga business took a holiday nose-dive and I chose not to renew my lease, the stress of the business far outweighing the benefits of communing with students. At least, that’s the logic I use on the days where I feel guilty for abandoning my members.

In truth, I’m tired.

The high pressure Director role I chased my entire career wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. My expertise helped guide the team, but ultimately, the direction of the business didn’t suit me. It was less a gap in skill as it was a gap in core values. If upholding my integrity is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Small business ownership would deplete the most energetic of women. It’s understandable that the yoga studio wore me down. In fact, I should get a medal for my determination to bring yoga to conservative, rural Texas. Breaking even for two years was no small feat in an area where people asked, “can I be a Christian and do yoga?”

This year, Rabbit tangled with Lion, and I’m still not sure who came out on top. What I do know is that self-expression is one of my core values, and I’m excited to amplify my voice.

Dismantling my corporate identity will not be easy. I catch myself scrolling LinkedIn jobs, the insecurity and fear of being a self-employed creative in the driver’s seat of my thumb. I’m slower to delete the junk texts offering remote, part-time work.

My resolve is low, but I have been here before. It’s winter. It’s Rabbit energy. It’s cedar season in Texas.

I look forward to the buds on the trees, the greening of the grass, the longer days ahead. Until then, I will stop chasing a million ideas that equate to financial gain and focus my efforts on what I truly love. Words.

If you are also tired but craving more, join me on retreat at the rustic Hideaway Ranch in Bluff Dale, TX, January 23-25, 2026. We’ll honor winter energy while planting seeds for spring.